Dear Me,
Who did you turn out to be? You compromised your dreams, your morals, your beliefs… all to end up here. Are you happy? Happy with the mediocre, excuse for a life you’re living? You had big dreams! You wanted to be famous, wanted to be an inspiration and saw the horizon as the beginning. When did you start to settle? Was it when you decided to go to a state school you could afford instead of the more prestigious schools you were accepted to? Was it when you bounced around from major to major, boy to boy, losing focus all together on school and the picture of your life that you spent your childhood developing?
In fifth grade you wanted to be a singer and a detective; In middle school you wanted to be an actress; In high school you wanted to be a writer or a psychologist. In college you dreamt of spreading joy through social work or working for a non-profit. You participated in meaningful extra curricular clubs that measurably helped those in need. Where did you soul go? You used to aspire to bring others into the church, rather than shut your door on religion. When did knowledge become such a burden?
Now you pretend to be happy in the life you live, but I refuse to believe that you can be content. Where is the drive of your youth? Why has your ambition become so short sighted? Even when your self-esteem was at it’s lowest, you still had the ability to believe that the good in you was meant to be spread to others. You have become a shell of your former self, locking yourself in your house ignoring the real world and trying to stay safe.
What happened to wanting children and the family life that you always wanted? Why did you give up on your dream of being surrounded by people who love you and will be with you forever? Forever is a scary thing… but it’s not as scary when you’ve built a world that you truly want and deserve.
Was it him that took this away from you? The boy that you thought you knew all those years ago…. the boy that victimized you in your own bedroom. Surely, years of therapy must have helped by now. No? Is it still buried that deep, the feelings of worthlessness and incapability to make a difference? Why were you so scared to speak up, wouldn’t things have been different if you had your retribution? Would you still be the strong, independent woman that you were growing into? It makes me sick to think of what he took from you, in those years when you were still being molded into who you were supposed to be.
Is it still too late to start being who you were meant to be? God, I hope not.
Love, Me.
Streams of Conscious Thoughts 