Waiting for Death

The cobwebs on the ceiling multiply and I am unmoved.
The spiders keep their distance as they watch me.
Waiting to see if this is the day they will die.
Like those spiders, I am also waiting for death-
a welcome end to the torment of daily life, of everything I couldn’t fix.

Welcoming death is a calming nightmare, a cyclical look at my own desperation.
I am waiting for death, but the moments pass too slowly.
Screaming thoughts of self disgust dissolve the solace of idle moments:
“YOU’RE WORTHLESS, BROKEN and breaking more with each passing day.”
Hiding from the world, I embrace this thought of death.

The easy way out can only be found down the darkest of rabbit holes,
So I create my own rabbit holes to test the fate of my detrimental existence.
I spend my days chasing clouds of numbed existence,
and my nights nurturing those persistent thoughts of death.
The weight of despair is deafening and the wait of life has crushed me,
into a battered, bruised and dysfunctional version of who I used to be.

They say that it gets better, but each time it gets worse.
I don’t know how to want things, setting goals, making plans- it all seems irrelevant.
I can only envision the reality of my shortcomings and the missteps I took that led me here.
And so, here I sit, day after day-
Staring at the ceiling, waiting for death, wondering why he doesn’t take me too.


depressedDark, dank and endless. This depth is all-consuming. If I take a step in any direction, I risk falling deeper and deeper down. If I stay where I am, I risk losing my mind completely.

Loneliness and pain haunt my thoughts and darkness devoured the place where I used to dream. Any moments of joy that I snag are obliterated by double thinking, the voice in my head screaming inconsolably about the reality of my life.

The path, though relatively clear, is on the other side of the mirror. Staring into eternity, into a false reflection, I see what life was “supposed to be.” Lost in my stare, I see reality people want me to strive for. But when I look down at myself instead of through the gaze of the mirror, I see the reality of listlessness.

Songs of The Day

Lyrically, and tempo-wise these songs are a great description of the melancholy of major depression. Though I feel terrible about myself and my life, there are small instances throughout the day where I sing along to a song and forget how bad my life is for just a second.

Lately my daily playlist has included bands like:

The Beatles
The Academy Is…
The Smiths
Neko Case
Scott Bradlee and Postmodern Jukebox

Venting- I know it’s been a while :(

Expectations. Falling victim to the belief that anything is possible is a resounding failure from my youth; As a realistic “adult,” I can now rationalize why I didn’t get that job, or why I’m not good enough. I can understand that not everything is possible for everyone, and that I may just have drawn the short stick in life. The things I have going for me end up working against me…. and I stand alone. Crowded by thoughts, alone in the world, I stand. I stand until I fall, and then the falling never stops. Every time I think I have finally hit bottom, I realize it’s just another cliff I’m doomed to tumble down.

I don’t want to talk about myself because I know I’ll kill the mood. So I sit quietly. Quietly killing the light inside myself instead. My thoughts racing to find new ways to tell me what a disappointment I am. How I never amounted to even a shred of the person I’d envisioned. About how I have no goals, and I’m not worth depending on. “You’re ugly underneath and everyone will see it,” or “you are a complete failure, ending up exactly the opposite of what you wanted.”

People would notice if I disappeared, but probably 90% of those people would be debt collectors. I can’t describe this depression to just anyone because though my situation is less than ideal, this is not situational depression. This is major depressive disorder. I can’t escape it, it’s in my blood, it’s in my brains, it’s what I am inside. When someone with major depressive disorder finds themselves hitting rock bottom, intertwining “logic” and shame becomes the only thought process that seems to work properly.

I realize I need to do more, to be better- but I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to try.

I am immobilized; Instead, I sit and wonder how long before I waste away. How many more of these pointless days will I sit here waiting for death? Can I really handle an entire lifetime of just waiting to die? After all, the only things that will be left are cobwebs and distorted memories of a life I never lived correctly.

What is True Intimacy?


Sometimes it’s good to take a second and define universal terms into realistic chunks of information. Intimacy is one of those obscure words that has a dozen loose definitions. I curated some of those definitions (along with my own) into a list below:

What is True Intimacy?

Emotional Safety- Both individuals are able to be open and vulnerable. When a relationship is emotionally safe, the partners trust each other and routinely give each other the benefit of the doubt in questionable situations. In contrast, when emotional safety is lost, the partners are inclined to be distrustful, looking for possible hidden meanings and potential threats in each other’s words and behaviors.

Consistency/Dependability– Both partners are able to be trusted to do or provide what is needed for the success of the relationship/household. Some examples of how to cultivate this would be keeping promises, being there when needed, taking responsibility when necessary and reliable.

Love– Perhaps the most difficult to define, but I see it as a devotion to growing the romantic relationship between yourself and a specific individual. This devotion can be characterized through physical intimacy, emotional connectedness, commitment, warm feelings of desire for your partner and endurance to succeed despite life’s struggles. 

Compassion/Understanding– The feeling of needing to help those in need, and not rushing to judgment. Compassion is the opposite of being “quick to anger;” when being understanding, you try to assume the best possible intentions and find the best solution to help the situation or person.

Mutual Respect– Meaning that both people’s priorities, goals, opinions, needs etc.. are recognized as important and equal. Diverse viewpoints are met with discussion and each person intentionally shows appreciation for the efforts of the other.

Independently Together– It is so important not to lose your sense of self when in a relationship. The strongest relationships are made up of two strong INDIVIDUALS, both striving for goals separately and together. Independence in a relationship can be seen as taking on solo-hobbies, nights out with friends, having one’s own space (maybe a room or a favorite coffee house) etc. If one can maintain financial independence, that’s even better! When a couple maintains their independence it helps to keep things from getting stale- you will both have more to talk about, share and teach each other.

This is just my opinion…. what do you all think defines true intimacy? Anything I missed?

Burning Alive


I’m in a house that’s burning down.
The smoke clogs my lungs and I stumble to the ground.
Slithering through the firey abyss that used to be my life, I feel faint.
My fight or flight sensor has stopped responding, and I lay still for a moment too long.
It would be so easy to give up, to let the smoke fill my lungs and feel the fire burning in my veins until the serenity of ashes cover me in my cowardice.

If I throw myself into the wall of fire, I will get burned.
Though alive, I will emerge with scars covering who I used to be.

Those scars will tell a story of a time I decided to live,
when I chose life over the ease of fading into the ashes,
when I fought to be who I am.

Cliche Niche

Whenever anyone is going through something emotionally draining or physically demanding, there is no doubt that another schlep with an overused cliche is not far behind.

Everything happens for a reason!
Put yourself FIRST!
Don’t worry what people think!
Things fall apart so better things can fall together!
You can’t save someone from themselves!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!
Laughter is the best medicine!
The grass is always greener on the other side!
When in doubt, throw it out!
Everything in moderation!

The central message I get from all of these cliches (especially the ones that are repetitively hurled at me daily) is that experience is universal. As a culture we have appropriated these socially expected tokens of advice under the same umbrella of, “I want to help, but I don’t have any specific advice!” As impersonal as some cliches may sound, we should appreciate that our family and friends are suggesting that we think more deeply about our problems and they will be there for us when we take action. They believe in our ability to decipher the arbitrary phrasing into a more intimate idea of how to approach a given problem. Essentially, they are saying “I believe in you, you can do this.”