Listlessness.

depressedDark, dank and endless. This depth is all-consuming. If I take a step in any direction, I risk falling deeper and deeper down. If I stay where I am, I risk losing my mind completely.

Loneliness and pain haunt my thoughts and darkness devoured the place where I used to dream. Any moments of joy that I snag are obliterated by double thinking, the voice in my head screaming inconsolably about the reality of my life.

The path, though relatively clear, is on the other side of the mirror. Staring into eternity, into a false reflection, I see what life was “supposed to be.” Lost in my stare, I see reality people want me to strive for. But when I look down at myself instead of through the gaze of the mirror, I see the reality of listlessness.

Songs of The Day

Lyrically, and tempo-wise these songs are a great description of the melancholy of major depression. Though I feel terrible about myself and my life, there are small instances throughout the day where I sing along to a song and forget how bad my life is for just a second.

Lately my daily playlist has included bands like:

The Beatles
The Academy Is…
The Smiths
Neko Case
Scott Bradlee and Postmodern Jukebox

Venting- I know it’s been a while :(

Expectations. Falling victim to the belief that anything is possible is a resounding failure from my youth; As a realistic “adult,” I can now rationalize why I didn’t get that job, or why I’m not good enough. I can understand that not everything is possible for everyone, and that I may just have drawn the short stick in life. The things I have going for me end up working against me…. and I stand alone. Crowded by thoughts, alone in the world, I stand. I stand until I fall, and then the falling never stops. Every time I think I have finally hit bottom, I realize it’s just another cliff I’m doomed to tumble down.

I don’t want to talk about myself because I know I’ll kill the mood. So I sit quietly. Quietly killing the light inside myself instead. My thoughts racing to find new ways to tell me what a disappointment I am. How I never amounted to even a shred of the person I’d envisioned. About how I have no goals, and I’m not worth depending on. “You’re ugly underneath and everyone will see it,” or “you are a complete failure, ending up exactly the opposite of what you wanted.”

People would notice if I disappeared, but probably 90% of those people would be debt collectors. I can’t describe this depression to just anyone because though my situation is less than ideal, this is not situational depression. This is major depressive disorder. I can’t escape it, it’s in my blood, it’s in my brains, it’s what I am inside. When someone with major depressive disorder finds themselves hitting rock bottom, intertwining “logic” and shame becomes the only thought process that seems to work properly.

I realize I need to do more, to be better- but I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to try.

I am immobilized; Instead, I sit and wonder how long before I waste away. How many more of these pointless days will I sit here waiting for death? Can I really handle an entire lifetime of just waiting to die? After all, the only things that will be left are cobwebs and distorted memories of a life I never lived correctly.