My Personality (in a nutshell)

In this age, we have a plethora of resources to aid us on our journey of self-discovery. From finding out which friends character you are, to your IQ, it’s all out there for the taking. Recently, I’ve been on somewhat of a self-awareness binge, and so I figured I’d outline my main world views and personality quirks here.

I am an INFP personality type.

My Ennegram number is 2.

My conflict style is equal in compromising and accommodation.

According to my StrengthsFinder 2.0 analysis, my top strengths are: Achiever, Developer, Strategic, Relator and Learner.

My DISC personality type is type S.

My A/B/C/D personality type is type C.

My worldview is Existential.

I would consider myself an agnostic atheist.

My blood type is the same as my life’s mantra: B+.

My birthday reveals I am on the path of the Sun (1).

I am a Virgo.

My love language is quality time.

My IQ is 125.

My nerd type is as follows: Literature Nerd 77%
Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it’s eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today’s society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It’s okay. I understand

73% Gamer/Computer Nerd
66% Drama Nerd
62% Social Nerd
59% Science/Math Nerd
14% Anime Nerd
10% Artistic Nerd
6% Musician

Any other categories I’ve missed to aid in self-awareness? Please indicate them below, or share some of your results!

Myers Briggs Personality Profile– INFP

If you haven’t discovered your personality profile yet, here’s an excel version of the Myers-Briggs.xls.

I am an INFP Personality Type.

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INFP personalities are true idealists, always looking for the hint of good in even the worst of people and events, searching for ways to make things better. While they may be perceived as calm, reserved, or even shy, INFPs have an inner flame and passion that can truly shine. Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the INFP personality type – but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration.

Being a part of the Diplomat (NF) personality group, INFPs are guided by their principles, rather than by logic (Analysts), excitement (Explorers), or practicality (Sentinels). When deciding how to move forward, they will look to honor, beauty, morality and virtue – INFPs are led by the purity of their intent, not rewards and punishments. People who share the INFP personality type are proud of this quality, and rightly so, but not everyone understands the drive behind these feelings, and it can lead to isolation.

Read this website’s take on other personality types here.

So since this assessment says I am naturally led by my principles, I want to take a moment to think about my principles. Though tough to narrow down, here’s a quick (not all-inclusive) list I threw together:

1. I believe that all humans are equal. Men, women, LGBTQIA, all races, all socioeconomic statuses… all EQUAL.
2. Give respect to others until they prove they don’t deserve it.
3. There is always a silver lining, even if it’s hard to find.
4. We should all have the freedom to choose how we live, why we live, and what causes we live for.
5. We should all be able to take responsibility for our actions and decisions.
6. Help someone in need, because it could just as easily be me sitting on the other side of the situation.

As an INFP, and as previously mentioned in other blog posts, I am naturally a giving person. I don’t always stop to ask for the things I want or deserve. To deserve is a funny thing. What does it even mean?

Deserve [dih-zurv] verb. (used for this context without subject)
1. To be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.

My issue with understanding the term “deserve” stems from my inability to place more value on one person than another. For instance, when my friends go through breakups and we inevitably huddle around telling that person they deserve “the best;” is there anybody that doesn’t deserve the best? It seems arguable to say that Charles Manson deserves unconditional love as much as I do, but who am I to say that? What would his victims say? What terms make someone deserving or undeserving? Does it vary by person or situation or opinion? Who has the final say? Even the worst people in the world have good in them that they can reveal to different people, in different situations, or for different reasons. That being said, if the worst people can show goodness and the best people can show darkness… how are we supposed to determine anything based on merit? How does anyone deserve anything?

Uh oh. The mind-circles begin to take shape on paper (not much more organized than my brain). But honestly, I can’t even put my finger on what I deserve, because I know that I am not all good. I am a mess, I am weak, I am sensitive, I have made horrible decisions and I have not learned my lessons the easy way. Does this mean I deserve less than someone who I may only perceive to be “more deserving” such as a nice girl at work (who I don’t know much about)? Don’t we all have skeletons in our closets? Is it the number of skeletons, how hidden they are, or how big and scary the skeletons are?

As you may have noticed, my brain looks like this:

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Poem by Sarah Kay- Originally performed as spoken word, but beautiful either way

B (If I Should Have a Daughter)

Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”

She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”

But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.

You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.

Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.

–By Sarah Kay of Project V.O.I.C.E.

Click here for original performance

Accommodating to a Fault?

I have always strived to be the best friend, best employee, best girlfriend (etc) I can be, and through such I have made many compromises to accommodate others. Accommodating isn’t bad by nature, but it’s a stance that I hadn’t realized I embodied so strongly.

Accommodate [uh-kom-uh-deyt]
verb (used with object), accommodated, accommodating.
1. to do a kindness or a favor to; oblige; to accommodate a friend.
2. to become adjusted or adapted

According to the Myers-Briggs assessment accommodating isn’t always as positive as it sounds:

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode (TKI): What’s Wrong with Accommodating?

One important downside can be sacrificing something that is very important to you. If you give in to the wants and needs of others, you’re likely to feel bad about the result. While you might feel some short-term relief at reaching a solution, your needs are unlikely to disappear. Since they haven’t been satisfied, you’ll discover how important the issue was to you, sooner or later.

You might also lose the respect of others in your group. If you show low assertiveness, your negotiation partners will notice this and take advantage of your position in the future. In other words, you’re starting a pattern that could be difficult to dislodge later on. You could be exploited by others who learn that by pushing you hard enough, you’ll eventually give in and give them what they want.

By using the accommodating style you also run the risk of losing your motivation. Your satisfaction with your outcomes will surely go down the more you use the accommodating style. You could agree to things you really don’t want to do. After all, if your needs are not be met, at least some of the time, you’ll soon learn that it doesn’t pay to negotiate at all – your position will not be respected anyway.

Be careful of becoming a “doormat,” which means letting others do whatever they want with you. This is common among those who avoid conflict as well as accommodating types. Remember, conflict does not mean others dislike or hate you. Conflict is common to all sorts of human interactions. You can have conflict and still be friends with others. Accommodating types can feel that conflict will cause lasting damage to a relationship. That might be the case. More frequently, it will either lose its importance over time or even build stronger relationships.

After reading about the accommodating conflict resolution type, I decided to take the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Test (TKI) Online. I answered all of the questions based on my most recent experiences, as honestly as I could and here are the results:

Highest Scores in: Compromising and Accommodating (Equal scores for both)
Lowest Score in: Competing

So, according to the test, I am highly cooperative and mildly assertive. Compromising (though it sounds like the best option) is the lose-lose option. Everybody has to give up something and no one gets exactly what they want. Accommodating is another style where I lose by cooperating at my own expense. When it comes to conflict, I care about the relationship more than the conflict, and I care more about the other person’s needs than my own (sometimes).

This mentality is exactly what the patriarchy wants women to be like; seen and not heard, unimportant opinions, sacrificing for everyone else and thinking of herself last. This is not the woman I am, nor is it the woman I want to be. When it comes to my convictions, and things about which I am sincerely passionate, I will not compromise. However, the older I get, the less idealistic I become, and the more open-minded I am to hearing other people’s viewpoints. I am old enough to know that I don’t know everything.

Here’s another more accurate (and positive) assessment:

An accommodating person will prefer harmony to conflict. In any conflict, this person will prefer to give in sometimes due to kindness or sometimes because he/she does not want any conflict. This personality will always play the role of a peacemaker. It appears like this person is “giving in” and allowing the other person to “take”. This attitude does not always solve matters, but an accommodating person will prefer this route because he/she feels the benefit is more.

An accommodating person is considered nice and lovable. He/she will understand other’s feelings and will go out of his/her way to make the other person feel good. An accommodating person is empathetic, understanding and very nurturing. This personality may have been developed from childhood, where parents teach children to always be good to others and then God will reward. Such a person will carry this trait into his/her adult life and apply it.

I think this is a pretty fair (and rosey-colored) depiction of my personality type. I agree that I work hard to be empathic and understanding. Even if I don’t agree with a point, I can always reason myself into understanding where that person is coming from. Once I can see the issue from both sides, I can find a way to be understanding and sometimes allow the other person’s viewpoint to surpass my own. Overall, I really value the few relationships that I nurture in my life, and put those people above myself on many occasions– not because I have to, but because I want to. If it makes someone else happier to win an argument about cheese, if someone feels better about themselves for thinking they are the ultimate opinion on the media– that’s okay. I try to think about where someone is coming from- their experiences, relationships, knowledge– those things all shape the ways in which someone thinks and feels. I was very religious growing up, and even if the only part of it that stuck was the care I take in my relationships.. I’m okay with that.

Nurturing relationships is about more than conflict resolution, it’s also about anticipating needs and meeting them before they are needed, being there for someone without being asked, and doing what I can to improve morale. Finding out what I can do to make someone’s day better is on the top of my mind- every day. I am not here in a world created for me, to highlight only my experiences. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by interesting, diverse people who all bring forth different experiences and viewpoints that can enhance my own. This world is full of unending need for kinder faces, warmer personalities and selfless giving.

Things We Women Need To Stop Apologizing For:

There are a number of things that women have been trained to be “sorry” for, and I want to clear up about which things I am NOT sorry.

1. Having my period. I’m a woman, I will have periods. I am not going to apologize for my biology, even (especially) if it interferes with a man’s sexual desires/fantasies.

2. Loving sex. It doesn’t make me a slut. My number doesn’t matter. Sex feels good for both men and women, in fact women have more nerve endings in their clitoris (8,000) than the entirety of the penis (4,000)… and that’s only the clitoris, there are even more nerve endings in the women’s pelvic area (up to 15,000!!!!). Sex-shaming or slut-shaming is not limited to male vs. female interactions, but is also a phenomenon in the female vs. female interactions. We need to stop slut-shaming, stop asking the number of partners someone has had, stop asking our friends if we look like sluts, and STOP calling each other sluts (behind our backs or to our faces).

3. Not always feeling sexual. I am not here to service men whenever they feel like having sex. I have every right to say no, and I do not owe anyone sex EVER. FOR ANYTHING. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. If I want to lounge around under a fart blanket while watching Netflix, that’s my prerogative and it’s okay.

4. Being gassy. (See fart blanket reference in #3) Our digestive system works pretty much the same as men’s and thus women will also have gas. Here’s another little tid-bit… we poop too. Get over it. Our bodies have to have these processes to keep us alive and I will not apologize.

5. Needing alone time. We ALL need time to unwind, regardless of gender. As busy as my mind is, as much as I do, I deserve some down time. Alone time for me is a time to organize my thoughts, escape from judgement and disappear into my couch. Every person is different when it comes to how much down time/alone time they need, but the main point is to feel comfortable taking what time you need.

6. Watching porn/masterbating. Not all pornography is geared towards men, and it is my choice to watch whatever type of porn that I desire. I can have any fetishes I desire, and I can explore my body whenever I please. Masterbation can be used to figure out what works for me (then to perfect it), for relaxation, or even to get me aroused pre-interaction with my boyfriend. We (most of us) are sexual beings, and there’s no reason that women should feel limited in the ways that they explore or express their sexuality.

7. Wanting or not wanting to have children. It is one of the most important decisions that we must make in our lives, but it is just that a decision. Society dictates that we must have 2.5 children, a perfect marriage and a house with a white picket fence— however that’s not what we ALL envision for ourselves. My view on having kids wavers back and forth, but regardless, it’s my right to choose, and I’m not apologizing.

8. Eating real food, and as much of it as I want. I have always been the friend who people would expect to finish off the dinner or dessert (or whatever). I do not apologize for loving food. I love trying new things (just tried roasted bone marrow), but I am also known to find a favorite item and stick with it for a while. It’s a GOOD thing not to worry so much about the way you look and allow yourself to enjoy the cuisine that people spend their lives perfecting for our tastebuds. Why waste time on the same ol’ house salad everywhere? Give me the chef’s specialty avec les frites.

9. Relaxing on shaving. No-shave November brought it to my attention how much I enjoy my boyfriend’s face shaved. Though I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who never criticizes the frequency of my shaving (which ranges between daily to biweekly– depending on moods and seasons), I have not always been so lucky. Inevitably there will be a point when someone notices my prickly legs or two-day growth under my arms… and it’s OKAY. Everyone grows hair, everyone maintains it how they see fit– and that should be the end of it. It doesn’t matter what you think about it or what anyone else thinks about it. If a woman decides to stop shaving all together it’s HER CHOICE. If a man decides he doesn’t want leg or underarm hair, that’s HIS choice and it’s okay.

10. Being “bossy.” Being “bossy” has become a misogynistic categorization for strong, independent women who have opinions and aren’t afraid to make themselves heard. There is a new movement to “ban-bossy” in the workplace because it is used to demean women so often, however some women disagree with the movement. The opponents of the ban-bossy movement want to take BOSSY back, citing that they are “bossy and proud.” I fall into the category of bossy and proud, but however you feel about the word, stop apologizing for being a LEADER. Embrace your inner-bossy.

11. Being afraid to walk alone in the dark. Statistics show that women are susceptible to many forms of harassment while walking alone at night. It’s not being overly-cautious (in fact it’s completely necessary) to take self-defense classes, to carry pepper-spray or to learn which routes are the safest/have the best lighting. In fact, it’s smart to be prepared, and we should be equally aware of the dangers we face and empowered by the preparations we have taken to defend ourselves.

12. Demanding equality. Duh, women deserve equality. It doesn’t seem like I should actually need to write anything here because it should be common sense; unfortunately it’s not. Women have been fighting for equality since forever, and the fight is long from over. We deserve equal pay, we deserve to be taken seriously in whatever career we choose (from stay at home mom to rocket scientist), we deserve to have a voice, and we deserve to have full control of our OWN bodies.

13. Not being flattered by misogynist “compliments.” Whether it’s a passer-by on the city transport or a handsome man at a bar, I refuse to pretend to be amused by these compliments. Misogynistic compliments could be anything that belittles my intellect down to nothing while focusing 100% on the fact that I’m a woman (I have boobs! I have legs! I wear skirts!). There are ways to compliment a woman such as telling her how much you value her intellect or insight (because you respect her and notice more than surface level appearances). I just hope that women start to realize the true purpose of these sexist comments: to make us feel inferior and think we are not as good as men so they can maintain the control.

14. Not wearing makeup. Women use makeup to enhance what we have, but we should not feel ashamed when we choose to go au-natural. I wear makeup because of the artistic side of things; I enjoy choosing and blending colors, and creating different looks based on whatever inspires me that day. However, there are plenty of days where I just want my skin to breathe, or I am not preoccupied with my looks (maybe I’m doing chores or being lazy on a weekend). For the days that I choose no makeup, I will not feel ashamed of my bare face, I will not apologize for my lack of makeup, instead I will appreciate the feeling of sun on my cheeks.

15. Wearing what I want. Clothing choices do not give anyone an excuse to rape women, clothing does not make someone a slut, clothing does not mean that I want to have sex with the next man I see. I wear what makes me feel good; some days that might mean massive cleavage, other days it might mean a giant sweatshirt– and that’s OKAY!

 

Okay so now that we’ve covered that… do any of you have something you want to stand up for and say I’M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR ________? If so, please leave a reply with your ideas!