Exploring My Subconscious

Recently, I wrote a post about a recurring dream I’ve been experiencing lately. Because I’m an INFJ I am known to be more intuitive and aware of my inner world of thoughts and consciousness. I’ve been having another recurring dream every few weeks for the last year that I wanted to explore in regards to my search to understand myself.

---

This dream usually takes place in Jamaica or an island perceived to be like Jamaica but with less crime, almost no people and fantastic views. It always centers around exploring and finishes with how important it is for me scrambling to the surface to see the final sunset of my get-away. I feel warm, happy and optimistic- yet constrained.

I’m often there on vacation, or within a limited time frame. At some point there is an opportunity to dive underwater and go exploring. I approach the opportunity with enthusiasm and get suited up. While swimming underwater with the fish and coral, I notice some far off caverns full of beautiful colors and tunnels that are shrouded in mystery. I swim towards them and without fear begin to explore.

While exploring the caverns, the water feels warm and fresh. The underground cave system is neverending, colorful and inviting. I’m not worried about safety, only concerned with the adventure of exploring the caverns. I am always alone while swimming through my own personal enigma. I don’t recall ever finding anything tangible, more just the act of exploring and swimming in and out of these majestic caverns.

I don’t ever remember getting out of the water, but before I realize it, I’m standing on a beach watching the sunset. Either the sunset has already started or it’s almost over and I’m always racing to catch it. I am always obsessed with taking pictures of the sunset (however I think that’s more psychologically rooted in my obsession with taking pictures). Half the time I wake up before the sun completely sets; the times I don’t wake up before it sets, somehow my camera gets ruined, lost, or the pictures didn’t take right and I am left with only a memory of the sunset (a memory within a dream–woah).

So in the context of reality- what does this all mean?

In the mind of an INFJ there will always be more I can do to be more authentic, happier, more successful etc. I am in a pretty intense phase of discovering myself (the close to 30 bug), and this dream is sort of an echo of my waking experiences.

Dream interpretation, while not widely viewed with much credibility, has been around for as long as there have been dreams. I took the liberty of looking up different aspects of this recurring dream on multiple websites, and surprisingly they were all pretty congruent (Research below is paraphrased from those websites).

“Water as a dream symbol represents your current emotional state of mind…” i.e. being deep underwater represents being submerged in my own unconscious mind. Exploration underwater parallels with exploring my own mind (and goes right along with what my waking mind has been focused on). It’s important to note that the water is inviting, almost to the point of total obsession in the dream.

Swimming in a dream suggests that I am exploring aspects of my subconscious mind and emotions. Being completely submerged while swimming indicates I’m being overwhelmed by my current state of mind, and I am forcing myself to deal with it.

Caves symbolize the unconscious and represent my ability to withdraw into myself. To enter and explore is to gain the process of awareness of transformation.” There may be repressed memories or enlightenment hiding in the caverns as they are created locations within the mind that serve the soul. This is the hidden side of myself, and dreaming about such caves can be a sign that I am turning my focus inward and facing my “deeper self.” Cave dreams are common during periods of transformation.

Foreign places in dreams can represent things that are new and different such as big life changes or decisions. These foreign places often seem to mimic reality, trying to be both familiar and mysterious.

Sunsets in your dream indicate the end of a cycle or condition. It is a period of rest, contemplation and evaluation. The sunset is always at the end of my dream, and thus I believe it means that the dream is over until the next time– end of a cycle.

Cameras in my dream signify my desire to get a clearer picture of an idea, or that I need to focus on a particular situation in life. Cameras also show a connection to the memory, and can be representative of the past. To dream that the camera is broken or that I cannot find it implies that I am not fully-focusing on the matter at hand. Additionally, cameras in a dream refer to forgotten memories.

---

So, essentially, my subconscious/unconscious mind is open to the possibility of change and exploration. I don’t feel fear but excitement at the prospect of being a fuller, happier person and so in my dream, I display the same enthusiasm for the symbolism. I dream about being submerged underwater because I am hyperfocused on my emotions and my subconscious self (mind) development. The sunset symbolizes the end of the dream and not being able to capture the sunset could mean that I haven’t finished all the exploring I need to do. I can’t take the memory (pictures) of the sunset with me, just like I can’t take all of the data that I uncovered back into reality and that’s okay.

I am facing my deeper self in both waking life and while sleeping; since I seem to be working WAY overtime, why doesn’t anything seem clearer? Regardless, I’m still searching to understand myself and the universe, whether it be one day or one dream at a time.

Recurring Dreams

Throughout my life I have had a number of recurring dreams. Falling off anything to my death, organizing a hoarder’s house, traipsing through windmill museums and facing deadly murderers to save all the kittens. It’s not necessarily what I see on TV that causes these images to enter my mind, it’s more likely due to my anxiety disorder; my brain can be afraid of things that I can’t recognize or understand– yet terror ensues.

I internalize everything, my mind is a semi-repressed smörgåsbord of melancholy and the morose.

I’ve had recurring nightmares lately about being late and packing up everything I own vigorously. There is so much left to do and I worry I’ll never finish (and always wake up before finishing). I am running from something or someone and it’s unclear who.

Systematic chaos, night after night.

It always takes place in my old bedroom, which brings upon uneasy feelings. The bright yellow bedroom that once held my dreams and innocence, now only reminds me of the night it was taken away from me. The bedroom represents a lie, an unfulfilled promise of safety and stability. In my dream, I feel as if there’s nowhere safe to turn, and then an overwhelming, pounding thought that I have to get out of there.

Obviously one could read this dream as meaning that I am making changes in my life, or something big is ahead for me. One website casually links my dream together to mean, “you are weighed down by the endless responsibilities and expectations in your life. As a result, you are stuck in your current circumstances.”

So am I stuck? Or am I in motion?

I want to think I’m in motion, but just moving stealthily like a ninja of destiny. Just as constantly talking isn’t the same as communicating, constantly thinking isn’t the same as progress.

The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven’t thought of yet.” -Ann Landers

If this recurring dream really is representing impending changes and feelings of being overwhelmed- now that I’ve recognized it, the dreams should stop right? Nope. That’s not how this works. It’s like my brain has to work through problems in little movies in my head. I use my sleeping hours to reconstruct arguments, situations and problems in new ways to imagine new outcomes or solutions. I think it’s literally my brain just being too busy to turn off, and working overtime.

I’m dedicated; AKA I sleep as much as possible. I can never wake up on purpose without being annoyed that I didn’t finish my dream. I want to sleep for a week straight. I want to sink into the warmth of the bed, curl up with my nightmares and live through them non-stop.

Through the tears seeping out of my rapidly-fluttering eyes, I will dream this to completion.

Dreaming of a broken home

Quite often in my dreams I visit the places that comforted me in my youth. It could be just a room, a person, a feeling or even an old pet. Then, when I wake up, I feel a sobering sadness when I realize it wasn’t real.
Just now, I dreamt of a cool winters night where I had just awoken from a dream. There was our old Christmas tree in the corner of our old living room and classic rock blaring from the stereo. I was just bumming around the house talking to my dad. He was still my childhood vision of my father… before our falling out, before I grew up and moved out. I had found comfort in the feeling of youth and the protection that I used to feel in the house where I grew up. We joked about Joss Wheadon and Firefly, then went through a box of some of his old things from his childhood.
There was such a beauty in the nostalgia and simplicity of the dream; Because in my waking life I have lost feelings of innocence, stability (that can only come from the protection of your parents), and the feeling of weightlessness that can only be described as youth. Though bittersweet, these dreams are constantly plaguing my subconscious mind, perhaps trying to send me a message to find these things in my current stage of life.

16 year old self to current self

Dear Me,

Who did you turn out to be? You compromised your dreams, your morals, your beliefs… all to end up here. Are you happy? Happy with the mediocre, excuse for a life you’re living? You had big dreams! You wanted to be famous, wanted to be an inspiration and saw the horizon as the beginning. When did you start to settle? Was it when you decided to go to a state school you could afford instead of the more prestigious schools you were accepted to? Was it when you bounced around from major to major, boy to boy, losing focus all together on school and the picture of your life that you spent your childhood developing?

In fifth grade you wanted to be a singer and a detective; In middle school you wanted to be an actress; In high school you wanted to be a writer or a psychologist. In college you dreamt of spreading joy through social work or working for a non-profit. You participated in meaningful extra curricular clubs that measurably helped those in need. Where did you soul go? You used to aspire to bring others into the church, rather than shut your door on religion. When did knowledge become such a burden?

Now you pretend to be happy in the life you live, but I refuse to believe that you can be content. Where is the drive of your youth? Why has your ambition become so short sighted? Even when your self-esteem was at it’s lowest, you still had the ability to believe that the good in you was meant to be spread to others. You have become a shell of your former self, locking yourself in your house ignoring the real world and trying to stay safe.

What happened to wanting children and the family life that you always wanted? Why did you give up on your dream of being surrounded by people who love you and will be with you forever? Forever is a scary thing… but it’s not as scary when you’ve built a world that you truly want and deserve.

Was it him that took this away from you? The boy that you thought you knew all those years ago…. the boy that victimized you in your own bedroom. Surely, years of therapy must have helped by now. No? Is it still buried that deep, the feelings of worthlessness and incapability to make a difference? Why were you so scared to speak up, wouldn’t things have been different if you had your retribution? Would you still be the strong, independent woman that you were growing into? It makes me sick to think of what he took from you, in those years when you were still being molded into who you were supposed to be.

Is it still too late to start being who you were meant to be? God, I hope not.

Love, Me.